Raising Honest Teens!

As a teen, I lied to my parents often about everything from school grades to where and how I was going to places or when meeting certain people.  In those days, there were no digital tracking devices or any way for my parents to know what I had done throughout the day.  After a while, I  had developed a good poker face and I had little to no remorse doing it.

If you have a teen, it is more than likely that they will lie and most of the time it will be to you.  In reality, teens lie quite a bit.  Sometimes they lie to get out of trouble or to do something that is forbidden to them or due to unfair  or arbitrary rules: but mainly they can’t see the consequences of their actions.  But lying adolescents can drive us nuts!

One must be cognizant when one’s teen is lying due to risky behaviors like drug and alcohol use, as opposed to smaller everyday lies.  Lying that covers up for risky behaviors i.e. illegal or unsafe deeds must be addressed.  When these types of actions occur seek guidance from a professional.  Here are four ways parents can help teens resist lying:

1. Keep in mind that kids can be quite self absorbed and have little indication as to  how hurtful lies can be.  As a parent you need to calmly discuss with your child versus lecturing them  about honesty and dishonesty.Talk to them as to  why they decided to lie to you.  There is no need to be judgmental or to be condescending to your child in any way.  Create an atmosphere where your child knows they can talk to you about anything and that you will not pass judgement.  This will allow your child to feel secure in their environment enough to be able to tell you the truth.
2. Share with your child how lying can create an illusion of avoiding problems, but in reality, lies cause unnecessary stress and emotional chaos. Talk about how telling the truth can be scary but, that it is okay to feel that way.  Share how calming down and solving problems is the key to a successful life.
3. If you feel that lies are a way for your teen to cope, acknowledge that.  Discuss the consequences of lying calmly but use a non blaming tone when you speak.
4. Remember to show your child how valueable they are to you.  Above all else let them know that their safety is a main concern for you.  Keep reactivity levels down to a minimum.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist, personal, and executive coach, and motivational speaker.  He has written four popular books including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child .