Dealing with Defiant Kids

Defiance, makes any parent unhappy.  As parents we feel that we are always in charge of our kids but sometimes our kids get the better of us and then they are in charge of us.  The key is to stay calm and not to overreact to their insolence.  Remember, the more attention that is given to bad behavior the more your children will act up.

According to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, kids feel  distressed when they feel they are being controlled or taken advantage of.  Children need to feel significant and capable.  They feel disconnected with their parents when tantrums or negative behaviors occur.  It may very well be that the child feels upset at the time or the relationship needs fixing.

Punishment may further damage the relationship between you and your child if you go through with it.  So one must deal with the defiance not with discipline but with patience.  As a parent, you must once again connect with your child.  The approach to connect with your child varies with the age level.

Toddlers

With toddlers, they are still exploring relationships and they are trying to figure out that they can be themselves without having to say “No!”  Parents sometimes forget that toddlers are just small humans who have their own opinions and views of their little lives.

• Let them know you hear them:  “You say NO dinner, I hear you . . .”
• Give them a hug:  Sometimes that’s all you need to reconnect with them.
• Be flexible:  Decide how much you want to do with them i.e. we can sit at the table together but you don’t have to eat.  This is done usually when faced with resistance instead of a full fledged tantrum with crying and the works.
• Insist on your limit: Tell them that you understand that they are crying because they don’t want to eat dinner and that they can cry as much as they want but when they are done crying they can bring their toy and join the family for dinner.

Preschoolers

Preschoolers are aware of the rules, when they are defiant.  Preschoolers are still unaware of how to express themselves and they need your help to do this:

• Adults need to be aware that their child’s defiance is a bid for reconnection which does not require discipline.
• Reconnect with your preschooler through play and fake being angry to get your child giggling and happy.  Play with your child to get the anger out of him or her.  They will be more compliant.
• Listen to your child if he or she is too upset to play.  Get them to talk to you and communicate how they are feeling.
• Let them get their feelings out.  Sit with them and let them release their emotions in your presence and comfort them so they can reconnect with you once again.  They will be able to cooperate with you after this.

Elementary Schoolers

Elementary schoolers are defiant when they feel like they have been treated unfairly. The best way to handle their defiance is by:

• Breathe and calm down before you deal with the defiance.
• Make sure that your child knows that disrespect will not be tolerated.  Let your child know that you do not treat each other with disrespect and that you understand that he or she is very upset.
• Consider that when your kids are defiant it’s a relationship problem. Something had gone wrong somewhere.  It may be that you were unfair or you were not listening, etc.
• Reconnect with your child by listening and reflecting.  Question him or her and communicate with your child on what you may have missed with him or her.
• Empathize with your child and don’t ridicule them.  This will let them know that you care.
• Look for solutions that will benefit the both of you.  Let your child know that you could work together to come up with a solution that you both would agree upon.

Preteens

Preteens like to test their limits, literally!  They will experiment with defiance because they hear it from their peers.

• Stay Calm! Oh boy, whatever you do, stay calm!
• Remind and reinforce your expectations from them.  Make sure that the standard of respect is maintained by your child within the household with all members of the family.
• Give your child an opportunity to correct their behavior.  If you sense rudeness allow them to start over in a respectful way.

Teens

Teens are defiant when they feel disconnected or have lost respect for us.  Their defiance is best handled by:

• Staying compassionate.  Let your teen know when they are being rude to you and that you don’t speak to them that way.  Be compassionate and be gentle. Acknowledge that they must be feeling upset and that it’s better to talk it through.  If in the past speaking respectfully with your teen had not been achieved , admit your mistake, apologize and promise to do better in the future.
• Translate your teen’s words.  Your teen may sound like he or she does not want to ever see you again, but underneath the rude words he or she is saying she is dying for your help.
• Remain compassionate. While your teen talks to you about what’s upsetting them stay compassionate and remain calm.
• Find a way to reconnect with your teen.  Listen and reiterate how much you love him or her and how much they mean to you.  Try to understand what your child needs and try to find common ground.

Make sure to stay consistent with your child’s behavior issues and boundaries. When your children understand and see that you are looking after them they will  become your best friends and develop skills to be better parents when they have a few of their own.  Parenting is a full time job but through mutual communication and respect it may be the most  rewarding experience the two of you could ever have.