We aspire for our children to grow to be honest members of society. No parent wants to see their child lie, sneak, cover up or steal. We often wonder what is the best strategy to use so our children become honest. Some parents may believe it’s in a child’s nature to lie and the parent’s job to punish them but the reality is we set our children up to lie.
Parents confront their kids accusingly with anger, harshness or threats, but punitive behavior make children fearful about telling the truth. If we as parents make it safe for children to be honest they will gravitate towards the truth. The trick is to be firm on honesty but gentle on your kids. Here are a couple of scenarios:
A:
Mom: (In an accusatory voice) Where did you get that candy?
Child: I found it in my pocket.
Mom: Did you steal it from the store?
Child: No, I didn’t!
Mom: I think you did. Your sister just told me she saw you take it. And now you’re lying to me too.
Child: No, she’s lying. I didn’t take it.
Mom: Well, then where did you get it? Now you’re going to get punished twice-once for stealing and once for lying to me.
B:
Mom: I see that you have some candy. But I didn’t buy that for you and your sister just told me that she saw you take it off the shelf when we were in the store.
Child: (Looks down)
Mom: I don’t believe in tattling, and I’ve told your sister that. But it’s also important not to steal. And it’s just as important that we don’t lie to each other. You know we’re a family that really values honesty. You trust me and I trust you.
Child: I didn’t mean to. It just happened.
Mom: I know, Honey. The temptation is so great. But I’m so proud of you for telling me the truth. That’s a hard thing to do and I appreciate it so much. Now, let’s get going back to the store. I’ll stand by your side while you return the candy.
In the first case the parent is pushing the child against a corner forcing her almost defying to tell the truth. In the second case, the parent comes forward by acknowledging that she knew that the child did take the candy. Let the child know that you understand and discuss honesty as a virtue. Include truthfulness as a family value.
Telling the truth is an act of bravery for anyone. It doesn’t always come naturally, so for this reason, it is a parent’s responsibility to teach the youngster. Here are a few tips to instill honesty in your child.
- Remain calm and don’t be annoyed: The most important thing to do is to remain calm and not react to the lie. Discussing matters with patience will guarantee desired results in your children.
- Talk to your children at a young age about honesty: Make sure you discuss honesty at a very young age with your child. Let him or her know that you can always count on each other to tell the truth. Be brief and age appropriate in your response. If there is no honesty and trust maintained by the parent and child there will be no honesty maintained overall.
- Let your child know that you put more emphasis on their honesty than their dishonest behavior: They need to be able to understand there is a benefit to honesty. If you quickly jump to the punishment instead of giving them enough time to process the importance of being honest then they will be more reluctant to tell you the truth initially.
Remember everyone has the ability to be honest it just depends on how you are able to get them to realize the importance of it.